SAINT PETER— To celebrate the current production In the Next Room, or The Vibrator Play by Sarah Ruhl, the Gustavus Department of Theatre & Dance has announced that they will continue selling promotional merchandise at the door before and after each showing. The fundraiser, designed to generate revenue for the otherwise cash-strapped department, include mystery bags stuffed with life-size replicas of props from the show.

An auction of various items used in the production will take place following the final performance on Sunday, May 17. Objects such as costumes, set pieces, photos, props, pieces of wood from the set, dirty make-up sponges, and the chairs from the theatre will be included in the auction. “We’re selling literally anything,” reports Department Chair Patrick Franklin. “We’re fucking broke. I have no idea how we’re going to mount one production next year, let alone six. I guess we shouldn’t have spent all of that money on professional foot massages for the dancers last semester.”

Pamela Johnson, mother of a visiting prospective student, was mortified after attending the production on Wednesday night. Johnson, 48, said she purchased one of the mystery bags as a surprise gift for her daughter, who had otherwise enjoyed her visit to Gustavus. “I’m baffled,” said Johnson while slyly stashing one of the props in her handbag, “I thought this was a housing presentation. You know, In the Next Room—I thought it was about dealing with neighbors in the dorms, not sex! No way am I letting my kid go here now.”