SAINT PETER– Following a particularly rambunctious evening of shepherding around legions of intoxicated Gusties, Saint Peter transit operator Al Wilson admitted to contemplating plunging the miniature bus full of students into the cold currents of the Minnesota river.

The thoughts of self-sacrifice to extinguish the bus full of Gusties began with the realization that the many of the riders would be graduating and joining the real world in a few weeks. “I’ve watched through my rear view as these privileged young adults cry, fight, and yell racial slurs for the last nine months and I felt a moral calling to drive the damned thing into the river,” said Wilson. “I didn’t do two tours in Afghanistan to come back and let these pieces of shit ruin the beautiful country I vowed to protect with their entitlement and complete detachment from morality.”

Thoughts of committing the act initially crossed Wilson’s mind at 11 PM when he dropped off 14 first years in front of his pastor’s house and watched them pee on his petunias, while another student ripped sections of fence out of the neighbor’s yard. Then again at midnight, when he witnessed another student yelling at a passing Saint Peter resident whom Wilson recognized as the local first grade teacher known throughout the community for her volunteer work at the battered women’s shelter and weekend shifts at the local humane society.

“At that point I realized this student body as a whole was a detriment to society and my beloved community,” said Wilson, “I knew what should be done, and yet, I lacked the constitution to carry out such an egregious sin. Perhaps someone stronger than I will be able to do what is necessary to protect our precious town from these heathens.”