CAMPUS NEWS

Companionless Schmuck Hopes Incoming First Years Friendlier

SAINT PETER—With the 2014-2015 academic year drawing to a close, many students are already looking to the next academic year with excitement for new classes, activities planned by student organizations, and opportunities to study abroad. However, some students have set the bar low for their next year ambitions.

“If I eat with other people at least 3 times a week, I’ll be fucking thrilled.” said current sophomore Tanner Dewey. For Dewey, the past two years have been a blur of classes, studying, Netflixing alone in the Sohre laundry room, and little else. Due to a combination of poor genetics, moderate social anxiety, and a strenuous course-load his freshman year, Dewey has failed to make any close friends at Gustavus during his tenure here.

“I definitely tried doing the friend-making things. Gustie Greeter socials, dorm socials, department socials, joining orgs, breathing heavily on people at the Dive- none of it has worked. I’m banking on class of ‘19 being real extroverted.” Dewey continued,whose eyes appeared dead with the pressure of two year’s isolation. Despite his efforts, Tanner’s social life continues to be heartbreakingly nonexistent. Even local friendship experts are baffled by his lack of companionship.

“This campus is super accepting. We’re like a family. I can’t even imagine why he hasn’t made any friends.” said student tour guide and peer adviser Lizzy Meuer. When asked whether or not she would invite Dewey to play frisbee golf with her group of friends, Meuer just stared blankly. “Wait, what? That’d be weird though. I’ve only talked to him a few times in class.”

Despite his difficulties, Dewey still remains optimistic about next year’s prospects.

“Hopefully the fact that I’ll be a junior that can buy booze by November will make the incoming freshmen at least willing to talk to me. That, or Netflix will finally put some new shit up.”

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