CAMPUS NEWS

Panzer Sells Publication to Fund Campaign Debts, Steps Down as Co-Editor-in-Chief

SAINT PETER — Following reports of his senate campaign accumulating an unforeseen amount debt, Co-Editor in Chief and Co-Founder of The Fourth Crown Sam Panzer has sold the publication in order to cover the deficits. The sale brought about considerable amounts of criticism for Panzer, who will be stepping down from the publication’s Board.

“I am hereby stepping down as Co-Editor-in-Chief of The Fourth Crown,” Panzer said on Thursday. “But I will never step down as Co-Founder. You’ll have to pry that title from my cold, dead hands.” Panzer, a recipient of the Magnuson Award while Co-Editor-in-Chief of the publication, will reduce his workload as a writer of the publication. He reiterated this point at the Johnny Holm Band concert kicking of Senior Week, shouting, “I’M NOT LEAVING YET!” which prompted several dozens of graduating seniors to start weeping and take off immediately to take their seventeenth picture at the sign.

Panzer also faced an onslaught of criticisms during the Student Senate election for alleged ethical violations because of his power with the publication. Lame-duck Student Senate Supreme Chancellor Matthew Timmons said, “We want to make sure running for the student body’s highest co-position happens fairly and with integrity. Serving as one of the editors-in-chief of Gustavus’s most trusted and only news source raises some questions. Exactly how many people were inadvertently swayed here? It’s hard to say.” When asked about The Gustavian Weekly’s influence on elections, Timmons said, “What’s The Gustavian Weekly?”

With the presidential primaries looming, several candidates have voiced their opinions on the polarizing rising senior. Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders has zeroed in on Panzer’s wildly irresponsible spending in his own election, calling him a “coward” and that he should “reduce his role in America’s finest journalistic endeavor in The Fourth Crown.”

Sanders remarks were not entirely echoed throughout all of Washington. On the other side of the aisle, Republican candidate Mike Huckabee said, “Sam is my BFF. We go way back. In fact, I told him to do this. Some of the proceeds are going straight into my own campaign. This is off the record, right?”

Fellow Co-President-Elect Bobby Rasmussen has since distanced himself from Panzer, as have the rest of The Fourth Crown staff, leaving Huckabee as his only friend and ally.

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