CAMPUS NEWS

Average Age of Existential Crisis Lowest in Decades: Congratulations Class of 2015!

ST PETER, MN — As social analyst Buck Jones observed the 2015 Gustavus Commencement ceremony, he was able to point out a newly emerging phenomenon in the Western social experience among the Class of ‘15.

“It used to be that a crisis of these sorts happened at age 40 or 50, after people realized they’d wasted half their miserable lives on this planet. Nowadays, we’re seeing crises of existence in people as young as 20.”

After four years of what can only be described as unimaginable bliss, the senior class of Gustavus was forced to face the rest of their short, brutish experience on this godforsaken planet. The sudden shock of their undergraduate completion sent the entire class into a tailspin of aimless, careerless, directionless wandering.

Weaving through the wandering graduates, Jones further explained the causes of the youthful existential crisis.  “I mean, there’s the job market, and the internet technology lets people know about things they will never have or experience- I’m going to guess in this particular case the idea of trading in Patrick’s Bar for a TGI Friday’s or an Olive Garden is the kicker for this cohort,” Jones stated, making a general sweeping gesture to the silently sobbing graduates.

When asked how she was doing, a local graduate refused to make eye contact with a reporter. Reportedly, the only words she could muster were “I hate dress pants and minivans. I hate them. I can’t afford them and I hate them.”

While local experts couldn’t anticipate the magnitude of this emotional paralysis, warning signs were present. Campus Safety reported a spike in students staring at the emptiness of the cold night sky in the Arb over the past few weeks. In addition, library records show an increase in the number of Hemingway and Camus works checked out since late April.

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