OFF THE HILL

Caitlyn Jenner Silences Critics By Enlisting in Army, Fails Basic For ‘Running Like a Girl’

MALIBU, CA— In light of the recent controversy surrounding her sex change, Caitlyn Jenner has submitted an application to the United States Army in an attempt to silence critics questioning the quality of her bravery. While the Army accepted Jenner’s application, they ultimately dismissed the 65-year-old after a few days of basic training.

Jenner’s sex change has stirred an incredible storm of criticism on social media, especially after ESPN announced Jenner would receive the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. Facebook users have relentlessly posted their highly regarded opinions on the matter, demonstrating their advanced linguistic knowledge.

“Last I checked ‘bravery’ only meant one thing: laying down your life for those you love and the good old Stars n’ Stripes. Sorry, Katy/Bruce Kardashian, you ain’t brave for chopping off your dick,” posted Randy Hanson of Mobile, Illinois.

When asked about her decision to enlist, Jenner commented that she wanted to show “true bravery” for the American people who have become spectators and critics on every aspect of her personal and professional life. “I owe so much to them,” said Jenner of her fans. “It is important to me to show them how serious I am about being brave, and if a front page spread on Vanity Fair isn’t good enough, then clearly I have to do better. Jenner continued that she wants “young people to see me as a role model. So I chose to enlist in the military, the only place where bravery exists in the United States.”

The military cited their reason for failing Jenner during Initial Entry Training due to their observation that “Jenner runs like a goddamn girl.” Despite an illustrious career as a gold medal-winning Olympic decathlete, Jenner lost all ability to run in the eyes of the military once she confirmed her gender as a woman.

“Yeah she might have had what it takes to complete boot camp when she was an Olympic runner and a man. But now it’s quite clear that she has neither the stamina nor the penis to meet our requirements for entry into the service,” said Commander Chris Brunswick of California’s 49th Infantry Division. Disappointed by her failure, Jenner released a statement regarding her career plans.

“This is probably the only career path where I”ll be discriminated against for being a transgender woman. I’m looking forward to interviewing and applying for all sorts of jobs, where I’m sure I’ll be respected, accepted, and paid equally.”

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