OFF THE HILL

Youngest, Hippest Voting Generation Somehow Represented Perfectly By Crusty Old White Guy

BURLINGTON, VT— In an unlikely string of recent electoral developments, the Millennial generation has found a national political figurehead in the form of 73-year-old Bernie Sanders.

Millennials, an age bracket characterized by a belief in equality and the value of diversity,  a fondness for technology, and an eye towards trendiness, are largely surprised to discover the best exemplification of their modern ideology in Sanders’ campaign.

Many have ventured that Sander’s image appeals to Millennials on a deeply ironic level. Professional Minnesota facial hair critic and craft beer enthusiast Cheffine (pronounced “Kevin”) Irving writes on his popular blog SocialDeconstructionPist.me, “Bernie has seamlessly captured the #aesthetic of the uncuddleable grandparent, simultaneously saying ‘I love you, understand you, and support you,’ but also, ‘Pass me my ointment, my elbows are starting to chafe on the davenport.’ He is, perhaps, our generation’s Ubermensch; simultaneously Kanye West and Jesus Christ trapped in the body of a WWII-era, East Coast American Jew.”

Sanders’ popularity among young people has prompted his fashion and hairstyle to be widely emulated among 18-30-year-olds. Many of the Twin Cities’ most trendy bourbon dispensaries and quinoa buffets are of late packed with young men and women in floating white toupees, wired bifocals, and clumsily-fitting sport coats.

Among Sanders’ most appreciated planks are his belief in increasing taxes on the super-rich, eliminating student debt and public school tuition, taking steps to combat climate change, and letting people marry whoever they damn well please.

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