OFF THE HILL

Donald Trump Announces New Season of ‘The Apprentice’

TRUMP TOWER— Following a long string of tweets flirting with the idea of running the United States like a Fortune 500 company, business mogul and celebrity Donald Trump made a highly anticipated announcement this morning at a media event at Trump Tower. At the press conference, Trump enthusiastically announced the premiere of his new television program, The Apprentice: United States of America.

“We’re very excited for this show,” said Executive Producer Dane Hurdlock to reporters. “Donald has immense corporate experience in addition to the ratings needed to boost this show to the top!” The new program will run for four years, with the possibility of an additional four-year extension. “It all depends on whether or not the world’s reserves of toupee glue and spray tan have been exhausted by then,” said Hurdlock.

Rumors of the challenges contestants will have to face have already started to circulate. Inside sources claim contestants will have to address the financial crisis of the past decade, market affordable healthcare options in a way that brings together two different audiences, and potentially spend the night in a haunted military-industrial complex.

“After Trump’s departure from The Apprentice in 2007, the American public was under the impression that they would never have to hear from him again, but Donald has a way of proving everybody wrong,” said Hurdlock. “He really wants to focus on showing all the contestants he has what it takes to run a corporation and a country this season, whether they like it or not.”

According to Hurdlock, the new season is set to premiere in the fall of 2016, provided that network executives ignore every shred of rationality in their bodies.

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