OFF THE HILL

Women to be Featured on Paper Currency in Time For Paper Currency to be Entirely Obsolete

WASHINGTON— The United States Department of the Treasury announced plans to replace Alexander Hamilton’s face on the ten dollar bill with that of a noteworthy American woman. The new bill will be released in 2020, a move the Department of the Treasury hopes will coincide with the complete obsolescence of paper currency.

“These are exciting times,” said Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew. “Women have waited for over 100 years to gain a place on our currency, which has steadily lost all relevance in the past decade. We cannot think of a better time to roll this out.”

The one enduring use of paper money will be as a projectile to toss at exotic dancers. This longstanding tradition also times well with the 2020 release date. Inflation specialists project that $10 in 2020 will equate to $1 in today’s terms, therefore allowing patrons to shower erotic performers with positive female role models.

This will mark the first time in over 100 years a woman has been featured on American paper currency. This milestone has been celebrated by many social conservatives and various members of the 2016 presidential field, who seek a restoration of women’s rights to pre-World War I level.

The change is expected to be highly damaging to the legacy of Hamilton. Fans of the Treasury’s engineer are widely dismayed that Hamilton remains on a harsh losing streak initiated 200 years ago when he was killed in a duel by Vice President Aaron Burr.

The decision to replace Hamilton came as a surprise to many Americans, particularly those who take great offense to the presence of Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. Jackson orchestrated the near-genocide of multiple American tribes, including the Choctaw, Creek, Chickasaw, Chippewa, and more. Furthermore, earlier this year grassroots organization WomenOn20s led a campaign to replace Andrew Jackson with a woman from United States History.  When asked why treasury-engineer Hamilton was chosen over genocide-engineer Jackson, Secretary Lew commented, “Actually, we think Jackson represents the United States pretty accurately.”

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