OFF THE HILL

Prevalence of Donald Trump Headlines Prompts Massive Onion Layoffs

CHICAGO, IL— As Donald Trump continues to generate sensational and outlandish headlines, the satirical news source The Onion has been forced to layoff a majority of its writers. Trump’s campaign is only a few weeks old, but due to his incredible ability to effectively make a mockery of the democratic process and American citizens there is no longer a market for publications such as the once beloved Onion.

“We had a good run, folks, but the Big Bad Toupee has blown us out of the goddamn water. Practically twenty years of satirical journalism leveled by one man who said he’d date his own daughter,” read a company-wide email sent out this past week regarding layoffs. While The Onion has yet to officially shut down as a news organization, the media empire admitted late on Monday of its “inability to go toe-to-toe with that bullshit machine.”

Trump’s comedic machine shows no signs of slowing down. “We thought that offending an entire race of people would bring him to a halt, but somehow it just gave him more power. Then we thought maybe his inability to speak or act like a professional or an adult would get him. Nope. He can even make fun of war heroes. Not even we can go near that shit,” said The Onion’s soon-to-be-former public relations director Jenny Brown-Hollings.

“I love The Onion,” said Alex Gorchel, a once loyal follower of the publication, “but how can they compete with a guy who gets satirical news on real news stations? The guy is a genius. I might even vote for him just to keep this laugh-train rolling.”

“We try and roll with the punches here at The Onion. Hell, we managed to stay afloat despite all the things Bush said,” said Brown-Hollings “But this dude just reinvented the freaking wheel. Satirical comedy will never be the same. I’ll probably start looking for jobs on his campaign staff. I heard a lot of The Daily Show team is headed there after Jon wraps things up.”

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