In the interest of providing you the most meaningful glance at the 2016 Presidential Election campaign field, The Fourth Crown has assembled the online dating profiles of some of the most popular POTUS candidates. Tinder, a site popular among college-aged students for its focus on the superficial, appears the most popular choice among the politicians, who are members of a career field famous for flexible definitions of marital fidelity.
Scott Walker (R), Governor of Wisconsin
Hi, I’m Scott. I got sick of only screwing public employee unions, so I’m giving Tinder a shot. I want to be your next coitus AND POTUS. Don’t get too excited- I don’t usually whip out my Koch on the first date, but I’m open for a bit of pubic erective bargaining. KOHL’S IS LIFE
Bernie Sanders (D), Senator from Vermont
I have the range of hip motion of a 65-year-old, and the billionaire class isn’t the only thing I like to rail against 😉 420 friendly. hmu if you wanna talk about socialism and see me push my big government package. Shoot me a fax anytime before 8:00 at 855-423-7543
Jeb Bush (R), former Governor of Florida
We’ve all been fucked by a Bush before. What’s one more time? I promise I’m smoother than the Everglades. Swipe left for a nuclear Iran. Swipe right for Citizens United, and let’s beat around my bush.
Donald Trump (R), Billionaire
I’ll tell you, I’m the best lay in the world. Theycall me the Big D. Anyone who says otherwiseis a Dummy. I have sources. Nothing will get you pumping like a good Trump thumping- the only asset that grows faster than my wealth hangs between my legs. And yes, the carpet matches the drapes.
Hillary Clinton (D), former Secretary of State
You could say I have some previous experience in foreign “affairs,” but don’t worry- I keep it discrete. Just make sure we keep pics of your privates on my private email server 😉 Just looking for conversation? Check with my agent- pricing is negotiable, but minimum is $72,000. -H
Marco Rubio (R), Senator from Florida
I’m a bit of a mystery man- For instance, I’m a Cuban American and the son of immigrants, but somehow still Republican. More importantly, the only thing I want to strip more than Planned Parenthood’s funding is your outfit. Sound like your type? Conserve us some time and swipe right- and I’ll exercise my constitutional right to
shoot you a message.
Martin O’Malley (D), former Governor of Maryland
Am I from Maryland? BecauseMarry(me, my body is a wonder)Land. p.s. the Democratic primary race isn’t the only time I finish last. I’ll keep rocking you straight through 2020
Joe Biden (Undeclared), Vice President
Carly Fiorina (R), former Hewlett-Packard (HP) CEO
I’m not like other girls who want basic reproductive rights and bodily autonomy- I’ll let you call the shots the morning after, fellas. I sent30,000 jobs overseas when I was CEO at HP, so the least I could do is bring one more “job” back home to you 😉
Rick Perry (R), former Governor of Texas
Check the new glasses. Want to play with the rim? Everything is bigger in Texas.
Favorite book: Leviticus Perfect date: hit up the shooting range, grab a quick BBQ dinner, and stop by corrections institution to witness a few executions.