SAINT PETER— Gustavus Adolphus College announced this morning that the loosely-organized group of digital hackers called Anonymous has given the college its largest gift in school history. The $25,000,000 donation was sent to the college’s office of Alumni and Parent Engagement in the form of an encrypted email authorizing the transfer of 96,500 Bitcoin, a secure online currency.
“I’m not really sure what Bitcoins are or how to cash them into US currency, but it’s truly the thought that counts in these kinds of matters.” said President Bergman in response to the generous donation.
The heavily publicized donation will be used as the cornerstone of the Nobel Hall of Science renovation. Anonymous’ spokesperson(s) stated the use of funds towards a building of science was “a deliberate nail in the proverbial coffin of the dark ages.”
“We as legion, we as denizens of the New World Order, we as your silent protectors will need your students. We will need your students to have top-notch science labs with well-lit, aesthetically pleasing study spaces, and that’s why we’ve chosen the 3rd top college for undergrad physics in the country for this donation.”
In addition to the Bitcoin donation, Anonymous also pledged to weaken several of the college’s academic rivals, including St. Olaf, Macalester, and Carleton college, with a series of weekly Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS) attacks. The first of these attacks was made Monday afternoon, and included replacing the St. Olaf Admissions Department website with a photo-shopped image of Ole the Lion waving the Islamic State flag with the caption “When Will You See? #MakeYourLifeCount!”
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