SAINT PETER— The college’s scenic jungle plant gardens have received a much-needed dousing of saline water in the form of tears from the parents of first year students.

Physical Plant Director Warren Wunderlich expressed the necessity of the tear treatment in an email sent to the parents of the class of 2019, stating, “These plants evolved for a hot, humid environment bombarded by salty air from nearby oceans and seas. Without your tears, our campus would simply be unable to sustain these tropical plants.”

Wunderlich finished his email with a list of statements meant to inspire further watering of the college’s tropical flora. An excerpt is included below:

A few further reminders for you as your leave your kids in a scary new world:
-They’ll either hate the food, or it’ll be even better than the stuff you make, making them miss you either too much or too little.

-Remember your first Christmas Card? Where did that time go?

-It really used to annoy you that they didn’t make their bed at home, but now aren’t you kind of going to miss that?