PETER, MN — Following decades of tradition, the Gustavus Adolphus Class of 2019 was exposed to how uncomfortable the Evelyn Young Dining Center can be as part of the First-Year banquet.
To begin their initiation into the social quandary that is the Caf, first-years were instructed by their Collegiate Fellows to “dress nicely”.
“We use this specific wording in order to create as vague parameters as possible,” said Collegiate Fellow Alex Brisk. “This is an institution of higher learning and diversity, so it’s really interesting to see how diverse the statement of ‘dressing nicely’ can translate.” After collectively realizing that they were all under- or overdressed for the event, first years were shepherded by section and floor across campus to the dining center.
As soon as the Collegiate Fellows were deemed to be close enough to the Dining Center that they couldn’t be responsible for their lost residents, Gustie Greeters reportedly distracted the CFs in order to allow the class of ‘19 to fend for themselves. “One minute Collin was there guiding us, the next minute some guy named Sean had dragged him away to play some quick frolf. Is this a metaphor or something?” said a sweaty Co-Ed resident. Once separated from their hallmates, first-years were guided into a random seating arrangement designed to minimize familiarity with their surroundings and peers.
“It’s important to know that when you’re in the Caf, you can’t escape from a table at any time and you have to sit with people. Even if you don’t know them, you have to. If you sit by yourself you’re a loser, just like in high school.” explained Brisk.
Once the air was filled thick with uncomfortable tension and small talk, the final piece of dining center awkwardness was added: people causing a scene via song.
“Whether it’s a poorly planned flash mob or choir kids unnecessarily harmonizing at their table, people singing in the caf just seems to happen. We introduce the Alma Mater and the Gustie Rouser, just to make sure nobody knows the words and feels appropriately out of the loop.” said Brisk. The introduction of the Gustie Rouser and Alma Mater is a controversial one, due to the high rate of injury and social pressure induced by it’s presence at the first-year banquet.
After the banquet, the Class of ‘19 exited the Dining Center dazed, confused, and with a healthy fear of the primary source of their meals for the forseeable future. While exiting, students were reminded that Dominos, Erberts and Gerberts, China Town Delivery, and Gustieware Manufacturers were the sponsors that made the First-Year Banquet a possibility.
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