CAMPUS NEWS

Drug Agents Bust PA-Sponsored Off-Campus Social, $3 Million in Heroin Seized

BREAKING— Responding to local reports of a possible drug crime, federal agents busted a PA-sponsored off-campus social late Saturday night, seizing over $3 million in heroin. The event, part of the Peer Assistant’s campaign to promote “healthy, turnt up lifestyles” on campus, was raided by DEA S.W.A.T. members just after midnight.

“This is the largest collegiate drug seizure we’ve ever made,” said DEA Deputy Director Mark Willis. “In addition to the twenty pound bricks of high purity heroin, agents discovered informational brochures such as ‘Making it through your year with H’ and ‘Smoking Meth to De-stress,’” continued Willis.

Numerous phone calls from neighbors alerted DEA officials to the possible criminal activity being carried out by the Peer Assistants. “Normally we’re used to things being rowdy here on Friday nights,” said St. Peter resident Joanne MacArthur. “But everybody could hear the Black Sabbath music and the numerous shouts of ‘Roll ‘em for 2015’ and ‘Pass that blow baby!’ for several blocks.” When police and DEA officers arrived at the scene, several PAs were sprawled across the floor in an opioid-induced stupor.

As of press time, several peer assistants were frantically attempting to fit “serving time in federal prison” to their already overfilled schedules.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS