SAINT PETER— Make sure you don’t miss an event this Homecoming! The Fourth Crown has put together a complete schedule of the weekend’s activities. Gustavus Homecoming 2015 is brought to you by Fireball Cinnamon Whisky, proud supporter of #IgniteTheNight.

Friday

5:30pm: Pre-Game in Complex, Co-Ed, and Uhler- Hastily figure out who you’re going to be keeping track of tonight while sneaking shots of everyone’s favorite party starter, Fireball Cinnamon Whisky. Nothing says “kickoff to a legendary weekend” more than pouring Fireball into your Kleen Kanteen and persuading your CF to look the other way.

6pm: Homecoming Pizza Off in Alumni Hall- Now that you’re pleasantly buzzed, head to Alumni Hall for free pizza! Whether you’re Team Godfather’s or Team Domino’s, you can be sure to wash down your food with the sponsor of the weekend, Fireball Cinnamon Whisky.

6:30pm: Lip-Sync Batte in Alumni Hall- What’s better than a little friendly competition? Watch your peers fake-sing their hearts out as you fake being sober in front of faculty, staff, and mandated reporters.

8pm: You Should Probably Drink Some Water- At this point in the night, Gustie Homecoming Sponsor Fireball Cinnamon Whisky wants you to stop, think, and decide whether you’re ingesting enough liquids to counteract the sweet, sweet burn of Fireball. Then drink some more Fireball, because you’re only going to be 18-23 once, right?

10pm: Lose a Friend- Shit, has anyone seen Kate? She definitely left the last house with us, but I can’t find her anywhere. Yeah, Jenni checked out back too. Fuck. #IgniteTheNight

Midnight: Insomnia Cookies Outside Old Main- You’ve cast your vote in pizza wars, watched your favorite student orgs ham it up in the lip sync battle, made memories with the best friends of your life, and ingested a worrisome amount of sinfully good Fireball Cinnamon Whisky. Please put some food in your garbage body. The cookie won’t do much, but the milk that comes with it will coat your throat for when you inevitably puke this all up in a few hours. Sleep Tight, Gusties!

Saturday

10am: Wake Up Full of Regret- You made so many mistakes last night, but that’s okay. You know what will fix your downward shame spiral? The sponsored taste of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky. Down a few shots, you have celebrating to do!

11:30am: Family Fun Inflatables, Kettle Corn, and Photo Booth at Homecoming Tent- Take a stroll through the Gustavus Homecoming Tent to observe the ghosts of Christmas future. These people were once in your shoes, and you’re probably going to end up just like them. Make a pit stop in the Gustavus Beer and Wine Garden, where you can drink alcohol that’s not nearly as satisfying as Fireball Cinnamon Whisky. They sponsored this whole extravaganza, did you know that? Drink to it, you Gusties.

1pm: Football Game vs. Augsburg- Come watch the Gustie Lions rip the Augsburg Eagles a new one! Make sure to get to the stadium early to get prime spots away from dedicated alumni and their weird kids. Feeling chilly out in the September air? Some Fireball Cinnamon Whisky will warm you right up. #IgniteTheGame #GustiesWillShine

1:30pm: Leave the Football Game- You forgot how hard football is to actually watch. Go back to your dorm, drink a lukewarm Gatorade, and pass out on your futon using Fireball Cinnamon Whisky’s iconic bottle as a pillow for your increasingly throbbing head.

5pm: You Finally Found Your Friend- We’re cool guys, we found Kate. She just called me to apologize about getting separated. We’re actually gonna order some pizza and maybe mix up a few drinks in Prairie View, before heading to College View for a pregame. You guys should join us. Yeah, only Fireball though, duh.

8pm: Pyrotechniq in the Homecoming Tent- Watch “the most wild and mesmerizing LED light show”! If you’re not dizzy from the booze you will be after this.

10pm: Homecoming Rave in Alumni Hall- You’re so boozed up you’re numb to it all, but you stumble over to Alumni to dance anyway. It doesn’t matter. None of this matters. Only Fireball brand Cinnamon Whisky matters to you right now. Are you going to do your college proud and drink some more whisky to celebrate homecoming? Are you going to consume the alcohol that has paid for this shit? Do you even understand how much money and hard work goes into a homecoming week like this? Do you think alumni tickets pay for this? Because they don’t. Fireball does. Goddamn Fireball Cinnamon Whisky pays for this shit and you’re going to drink it and be grateful that they’ve even decided to sponsor such an insignificant institution’s little weekend gathering. They could be sponsoring the Pope’s visit to America, for Christ’s sake. But what point would that serve? There is no God, only Fireball Cinnamon Whisky.
#IgniteTheNight