SAINT PETER— Proudly declaring the event “one of the most important in the college’s history,” President Rebecca Bergman welcomed Pope Francis to campus on Thursday as part of the festivities of Homecoming 2015. This historic visit marks the first time a Pope has visited the campus of a small, rural, Lutheran-affiliated liberal arts college.
As part of the visit, the Pope will visit and take part in several Homecoming facilities. “The Pontiff is excited to be part of this exciting and busy weekend,” said Vatican spokesman Mario Vespucci. “His first appearance will be in full pads for the Homecoming game, taking over the role as quarterback as part of his message to ‘Go long for Jesus.’” On Saturday the Pope is expected to give his official blessing to the “Holy bass drop” and as part of the #IgniteTheNight Homecoming Rave. “Despite the Pontiff’s inability to move Heaven and Earth as the Lord did, he intends to move his 78 year-old body to the banging beats and to shake what God gave him,” said Vespucci.
In keeping with his message of bringing the doctrine and support of the church to the broken and destitute, Pope Francis will conclude his official visit with a trip through Complex at 12AM on Saturday night. Vatican officials have announced that the pope has been asked to wear protective footwear during the visit, in order to avoid any stray glass, condoms and fecal matter, but sources suggest that the humble religious leader will likely forgo these security measures in an ill-advised display of solidarity.
The Pope also looks forward to distributing communion at the Flame early Sunday morning. A Vatican press release indicated that normal drinking laws would not apply to the popular Saint Peter bar, as the Lord’s law dictates that Christians of any age are welcome to the Lord’s table. Additionally, Several hours later, Pope Francis is scheduled to perform several exorcisms on first years, who seemingly have been possessed by some sort of demon, in the Coed bathrooms.
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