CF Enforcing Campus Policy ‘A Total Dick Knob’

ST PETER, MN— After several reported violations, Adam Browning of Co-Ed section 5A confirmed to reporters Monday morning that his CF is “A Total Dick Knob.” The violations came after numerous complaints of excessive noise began during Orientation weekend and peaked last weekend during Homecoming festivities.

“Kyle won’t stop riding my ass. It’s a drag and I’m fucking sick of it.” said Browning. In his first month of living in Co-Ed, Browning has received three warnings about improper GustieWare use and a Level Zero noise violation. Browning’s CF has repeatedly mentioned the Gustie Guide when issuing citations. “He was lecturing me and whipped out the fucking handbook. I’m so sick of this bullshit fascism. He was all like, ‘I’m sorry to do this, but I’m contractually obligated to.’ And I’m like, ‘You’re a fucking pig in training, law man.’”

Kyle Standbrook, the sophomore CF in section 5A, has been described by Browning as “a hard-ass,” “a loser,” and “like my mom but sweaty.” Standbrook is also involved in Chapel Choir, Gustie Buddies, and Proclaim.

Browning repeatedly stressed that he is no longer on speaking terms with Standbook. “I’m sick of his bullshit. I’m done. He wants to have a community discussion with us about it, forget it. Section meeting, my ass.”

Standbrook was unavailable for comment, but AC Amy Bernstein stated that, “Kyle is a good kid who is level-headed with all his residents. He handled the noise complaints very fairly.”

When asked to comment, Browning replied, “Yeah, Bernstein’s a wad too.”

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS