CAMPUS NEWS

New Nobel Renovations Just Two Hundred Premium Grade Hamster Wheels

SAINT PETER — Following the announcement of a $25 million donation to the College, sources have confirmed that the majority of the funds have been allocated towards the purchase and installation of 200 premium grade hamster wheels, which shall be used to power a portion of the building.  The high quality hamster wheels will help Nobel achieve the same LEED Platinum certification as Beck Hall.


“These premium grade hamster wheels are of the utmost quality and will provide a sustainable energy source for a couple years to come. This is precisely the type of positive change that I plan on carrying forward into the future of this institution,” said President Bergman.

Each premium grade hamster wheel stands at 213 cm tall and weighs upwards of 4 tons and is made of the finest brushed silver with rose gold decals. All premium grade hamster wheels are engraved with the name and lineage of each hamster.

“These are the finest hamsters money can buy. They were bred in the foothills of West Virginia and fed nothing but soft cheeses and artisan breads. Each had their own life coach to ensure proper development through the rigors of hamster puberty into a career in providing alternative energy,” reports Dr. Gerri Falcone of the IIHDP (International Institute of Hamster Development and Prosperity).

“I am deeply honored and proud to be working in conjunction with this fine institution, who so clearly values the nuances of hamster provided alternative energy. As a hamster who was bred to run on pure emerald wheels, I feel as though this transition to the finest of metals will prove to be a quality endeavor for all involved. It is refreshing to escape from shadows of the stainless steel wheel training techniques that have completely hijacked this nation’s zeitgeist,” said lead hamster Friedrich Reginald Wynford VII.   

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