Dear Carl & Sylvia,

I never drank in high school, but now that I’m at college I’d like to start. However, I don’t want to embarrass myself by drinking something weird. What do my drink choices say about me?

Love, Allan Anayn.

Hi Allan,

We’re happy to help you decipher the social context of your party beverages! Here’s the most common associations people have with liquors off all kinds:

Red Dog Beer: A party classic, beer is a good choice if you’re a lightweight- the low alcohol content will slow you down. However, Red Dog Beer lets people know that you only feel alive when watching birds fight each other.

Franzia Wine: Got a sweet tooth? Franzia Wine is probably your pick. Franzia Wine also lets the guy you’re talking to that in 10 years, you’ll probably drive a secondhand minivan and have a mortgage on a townhouse with Rick in accounting.

Fireball Whiskey:  Fireball whiskey – You like to remember the great ol’ times back on Uncle Stewart’s tire farm. The smell of old, worn tread. The feel of warm rubber up against your bare chest, the soft rumble they made when you put little cousin Jimmy inside and rolled him into the river before leaving a small pile of rocks to commemorate your donation to the river goddess Chalchiuhtlicue. 4 miles downstream they found the tire with nothing inside but a patch from Jimmy’s Boy Scout uniform.

Strawberitas: You wanted to get your belly button pierced in like, the 7th grade, but then Kimmy from bible camp told you about her cousin’s brother’s girlfriend and how when she went down a waterslide at the Wisconsin Dells it got caught and then got ripped out!!! EW!!!!!

Microbrew Beer: Look at you, you hip little renaissance man. I bet you sit in your fair-trade leather arm chair reading David Foster Wallace’s high school sociology essays while you sip on your hoppy beer with a stupid pun-based name. You’re not special. You know who is special? Your late aunt Jasmine. Aunt Jazz was the shit. She got whatever she wanted. Remember when she got that Volvo? What a cool car. She had style. You don’t. You, your fake glasses and craft beer just want to get laid.