SAINT PETER—  Insisting that “we need to sit down and talk about this,” Rebecca Bergman convened the largest student intervention ever undertaken by the College on Tuesday morning. Following the academic procession and musical fanfare, President Bergman gathered a large number of Gustavus students in Lund Arena and informed them that “this isn’t healthy.”

Acknowledging several different types of addiction throughout the morning, Bergman made it clear that there was more than just one type of behavior ruining students’ futures. “You may think that good old binge drinking is the only real reason I called all of us together,” said Bergman, “but after talking to a few of our IT guys, and peeking at a few internet search histories, it is clear that the problem stems beyond most of you getting trashed at the Moose Knuckle on a nearly daily basis, and that you guys are really addicted to just about everything these days.”

The president then proceeded to shine the spotlight on a few students’ exceptional addictions. Sophomore John Chapfield received a lengthy address for his stunning pornography habits, while first-year Kendra Hollings was later highlighted for her ability to watch more Netflix than anyone else on campus. “Like typical Gusties, these students go above and beyond in all of their endeavors, unfortunately a few of these proclivities are rotting their bodies and poisoning their souls,” said Bergman.    

Bergman was not alone in her pleas to the student body. Several faculty members and administrators were seen passing around 12-step manuals and boxes of tissues to overwhelmed students.
“We’re doing this because we care about you so much,” said Dean of Students JoNes VanHecke. “We love you. We just want you to get clean again.”