OFF THE HILL

Progressive Pope Declares Himself Spiritual, Not Religious

THE VATICAN— Continuing to take a progressive stance of prominent issues, Pope Francis announced late today that he prefers to identify as “spiritual, but not religious.” The Catholic Church confirmed that the pontiff appreciates some of Catholicism’s central tenets, but “just isn’t comfortable with the label anymore.”

In an interview for a profile in an international news publication, the Pope recently declared himself to be “spiritual for sure, but not necessarily religious per se.” He continued, “I grew up Catholic because of my parents and never really questioned it. It was just the way things were, but my time abroad really opened my eyes. I’ve been reading a lot about other religions. Have you ever read about Buddhism? I got this dope heart chakra tattoo while I was in Thailand. Look!”

In addition to his progressive stances on climate change, gay marriage, and economic inequality, Pope Francis is now speaking about the dissembling of the Catholic Church altogether. He was quoted a few days later in another publication, “Why do we have to put labels on spirituality? Why can’t we all just be part of one human religion, man? Love is my religion.You can’t put a label on that.”

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