SAINT PETER — Insisting that he was on the verge of an existential crisis, First-Year Randy Samuels confirmed on Tuesday that he no longer has any idea where he can find naked pictures of women. Samuel’s panic was triggered by an announcement Monday night that Playboy magazine would no longer publish nude content. Samuels, who picked up his cousin Jack’s subscription after Jack was caught with a magazine in fourth grade, has been an avid reader since 2007 and cannot see himself finding another way to look at naked photos of women.

“If only there was another sort of medium to get content like that,” commented Samuels. “I just can’t seem to find stuff like that anywhere. I’ve checked all the normal places: the back of the library, dirty gas stations, and even my grandpa’s old storage shed. I guess that I will never see a photo of a naked woman again.”

Sources close to Samuels have confirmed his total dejection since receiving the news. “He just kind of sits on his computer and sighs a lot. He has also taken to wearing a robe and smoking an old pipe for some reason,” said Samuels’ roommate Kenny Knight. “I’ve even looked over his shoulder while he is on the computer and he just looks at Playboy message boards wondering if it is all a joke. He also has been on Ask Jeeves looking to see if there is anywhere else he could easily look at naked women,” reports Knight.

Samuels expressed his shock at the lack of response from other male friends. “All my friends just shrugged their shoulders. They didn’t even know that Playboy was still around!” exclaimed an exasperated Samuels. “Don’t they understand that they will never be able to see nude pictures of a woman again?”

As of press time, Samuels was reportedly planning to post scanned copies of every Playboy issue to his own personal website. “I just want there to be at least one place on the Internet where people can see this sort of thing,” he told reporters.