CAMPUS NEWS

Below-Average Test Performance Puts Chem Major on Supervillain Track

ST PETER, MN— Citing an overall GPA of 3.0 and an interdepartmental GPA of 2.75 as major factors, chemistry major Ricky Taylor has declared his intent to follow the “Supervillain Sciences and Ethics” track within his major.

“I originally planned on getting a minor in bio and then going on the pre-pharm track, but it’s been a real struggle to get the grades I need in order to make it to grad school. So I’m switching up my plan to hopefully be a full-blown mad scientist by the time I’m 35.” said Taylor. This is the first student to opt for the Supervillain Sciences track since 2003, according to chemistry professor Angela Kirkman.

“It’s not a common option for many students, which is disappointing. There’s a real demand for supervillains with a strong liberal arts background in the job market these days, and our program prepares students for the real world of global domination and battles with jumpsuit-clad heroes.” Kirkman explained. “I’m very glad Ricky decided to go through with this- his mediocre grades and latent god complex make him perfect for this field. If he keeps bottling up his fear of failure and works hard, we can probably expect a real threat of biochemical warfare from him within the next ten years.”

Students embarking on the Supervillain Sciences and Ethics track (SSE) still fulfill the general education requirements and the classes required for their major, but have additional classes and expectations required of them. For example, Taylor will take Inorganic Chemistry 258 and Brooding for Unrecognized Geniuses 103 concurrently this spring semester. Other SSE requirements include Henchmen Management, Evading Federal Agents and Tax Agents, the Bioengineering Without Ethical Borders J-Term, and Public Discourse. As for Taylor, he remains optimistic about his sudden career change.

“It may not have been my original plan, but that’s kinda what the liberal arts are about, right? Exploring what interests you, pursuing things you didn’t have the option to in high school, finding out that you’re better suited to black elbow-length gloves and gamma rays than you are to years and years of graduate school to work at the local Shopko pharmacy. This is just another fork in the road, and I’m looking forward to see what major cities I can someday strike fear into.”

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