Gustavus Promoted to Division I Following Greatest Day in School’s Athletic History

SAINT PETER— Hours after the Golden Gusties completed what was objectively the most impressive day in the school’s athletic history, the NCAA released a statement immediately promoting the institution to its most prominent and lucrative division.

The day included the swimming teams launching their seasons off with a couple of near-record breaking performances, the football team team toppling some giants from the cold north, and women’s soccer and volleyball teams casually deciding to win the MIAC conference.

“Institutions capable of such dominant performances clearly are better suited for the highest level of collegiate competition,” read the NCAA’s statement. Additionally the release mentioned that due to the soccer team’s defeat of Saint Thomas the school would receive extra funding for their first year of divisional competition. The college’s first foray into D1 athletics will come next Saturday, when the football team squares off against Ohio State University in a hastily-scheduled 7:00 PM game in Columbus.

“Obviously we were very proud of the day we had,” said Athletic Director Tim Black. “It was nice to showcase how damn good we are at what we do. Was I surprised when the NCAA demanded we get bumped up to division one? Hell no. We deserve this. We’re this good, damn it. We’re Gustavus Adolphus.”