Student Outraged Demonstrators Value Black Lives More Than Right to Breakfast Burritos

SAINT PETER— Sources report first-year student Travis Miller is outraged at the disruption to his breakfast routine caused by this morning’s “Black Lives Matter” demonstration in the Gustavus cafeteria. Miller joins several other Gustavus students in publicly expressing his disappointment that some students prioritize social progress over their right of equal access to the college’s breakfast opportunities.

Miller’s Friday routine involves waking up in time to make it to most of his 9:00 AM biology lecture, grabbing a breakfast burrito in the cafeteria, lifting weights in the Lund Center, and often finishing his nights by confidently walking around town illegally consuming alcohol dressed in dark clothing. Miller, who has never experienced any disruption of any sort to this weekly schedule, was hurt and confused by the 5-minute delay to his burrito consumption prompted by dozens of Gustavus students lining the entrance into the cafeteria.

Following the delay, Miller quickly took to conversation with friends and anonymous social media posts to criticize the display, which brought attention to over 40 different black men and women killed by police in recent months.

Much of Miller’s commentary on the subject has been riddled with offensive language and a total rejection of the oppression that black and brown people face every day. However, various media sources and students have highlighted that Miller is a “nice young man with family values” and “just a few minor legal hiccups in the past,” and should therefore be allowed some “wiggle room,” and even be praised for his courage to speak out against the demonstration.

While Miller’s outrage is currently sharply felt, sources expect the first-year will soon move on from the whole ordeal to resume his otherwise undisturbed lifestyle. Miller’s discomfort with the demonstration is projected to evaporate well before today’s 3:30 community forum on the event.

Miller has requested that the media and community refrain from questioning him during this difficult time, which all have comfortably agreed to do out of respect for his feelings. All those interested in Miller’s opinion have largely voiced their respect for his independent voice, which in no way speaks on behalf of an entire culture, religion, or race.