STILLWATER, MN— Confirming that she “doesn’t deserve another crack at this shit,”members of the Hansen family told reporters late Wednesday that Grandma Jeanie would not be allowed within 3 feet of the Thanksgiving turkey during preparation, roasting, basting, or carving. According to a newly released list of duties for Thanksgiving day, the octogenarian was relegated to preparing mashed potatoes, a job that family members were relatively sure that even she couldn’t fuck up.

“After last year’s god awful display there is no way in hell that Gammy is getting another go at the turkey,” said nine year-old grandson Dillon Hansen. Additional family members confirmed that Dillon’s disgust was well founded due to the truly horrifying nature of last year’s bird. Several independent reports from family members confirmed that Grandma’s turkey tasted like “a pile of dry napkins” and was visually akin to “Grandpa Sal’s dry, wrinkled ass.”  

“You have your good days and your bad, and mine just happened to be on the only holiday my entire family sees me.” said Jeanie Hansen from her potato peeling station. “It’ll happen again someday, but I’m going to use this time away from my rightful place to reflect on power, and the fickleness of human fortune, and perhaps revenge.”
The Hansen family remains open to the possibility of giving Jeanie some of her former glory back. “After she finishes the potatoes we will review. If she’s managed to somehow wow us on the most basic side dish in the world, we’ll let her make the gravy. With supervision.”