BREAKING— Sources have confirmed that Santa Claus has put everyone living in Complex on the Naughty List. “I’ve never seen anything like this,” lamented Father Christmas, “Literally every person who lives in either North, Gibbs, or Sorenson Hall is 100% evil.” He has explicitly told reporters that he has made the airspace surrounding the dormitories a no-fly zone for his sleigh.
Along with his decision, Kris Kringle has released a comprehensive list of criteria that merit placement on the Naughty List, including general rudeness, being loud and obnoxious, and pissing in the elevator like a goddamn animal. “Sorensen 3P resident Jamie Crocket thinks he can do whatever the hell he wants,” said Santa. “But there are going to be consequences when you’re a little shit and don’t respect quiet hours.”
Expressing his exasperation at the plethora of sinful behavior taking place in the rooms of Complex, Santa told reporters, “I can’t take it any more. I have to turn them over to my half-cousin, Krampus.”
Krampus, the hooved embodiment of the Christmas Devil, popularized by the recent film, is excited about his new recruits. “I’m excited to be headed up north,” Krampus explains, “I’ve been spending some time in the Deep South lately, and damn, it sure is hot as hell.” Krampus is looking forward to his new prospects. “Santa just gave me this dense vat of evil,” Krampus says, “This is the best Christmas ever!”
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS