CAMPUS NEWS

STUDY: Finals Trigger High Levels of Freshmen Bragging About Adderall

SAINT PETER — As a capstone project for his modern statistics class, senior Nick Gold conducted a quantitative analysis of freshmen rhetoric surrounding drug use. For the most part, the semester-long study yielded unsurprising results, finding that first year students use the word “karkoff” more than any other drug related term. Gold, who admitted that the study failed to reveal many new insights into the Hamms and bottom shelf liquor laden landscape of early college drug use, was able to find one noteworthy piece of information. According to his study, freshmen rhetoric surrounding the drug adderall increased 600% during finals season. After further investigation into the phenomenon, Gold was confidently able to to declare that almost all of this increase was due to students bragging about being on the moderately controlled substance.

 

“My analytic model was able to pick up on this trend rather quickly,” Explained Gold. “After bugging a few strategic places on campus we were able to run a voice to text conversion program that tracked term frequency over the semester. We also ran a highly precise voice octave software that can distinguish between the excited, higher pitched freshmen voices and the dull, apathetic tones of graduating seniors… This is really riveting stuff, guys!” he added desperately.

 

Despite Gold’s findings, Campus Safety has not confiscated any more adderall than normal. This suggests that a majority of the first-year braggarts may be lying about their drug use. “This is some typical macho, first-year shit,” said Campus Safety Officer Vic Pascutti. “They all talk a big game, but I have literally confiscated caffeine pills and ibuprofen from students claiming they were on adderall. Damn, cowards.”
Most first-years were apprehensive about sharing information about their adderall use, but Jacob Hartman was willing to declare his affection for the substance, after he was seen snorting what was clearly smashed up smarties in the library basement. “Yowza! Yummy, yum yum. I do love adderall. Yes I do!” said the 18 year-old Eden Prairie native.    

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