SAINT PETER— Announcing their findings as a polar vortex descends on the Midwest, physicists revealed late on Saturday that the weather pattern’s blisteringly cold windchills have created a fifth state of matter. Scientists reported that this never-before-seen state of matter was made possible thanks to the frigid temperatures, which were recorded earlier this morning.
“Our observations indicate that there exists an additional state of matter, neither gas, liquid, solid, nor plasma, when temperature conditions are just right,” the physicist’s report said. Including several words of caution, the report went on to describe the conditions as “unlivable” and that they “will freeze your goddamn balls off.”
“You know, I’d like to say I’m surprised,” said a resident of Kasota, MN. “But honestly, I’ve seen worse. I’ve already harnessed this new state of matter to power my Zamboni, so I’m not too upset.”
Physicists who have relied on the sub-zero temperatures previously found only in particle colliders are flocking to Southern Minnesota. “Before, we had to pay a lot of money to CERN to do this kind of research,” commented Dr. Avery Blascheff. “But now, thanks to this windchill, I can shoot a couple of protons around the nearest hockey rink and get almost identical results!”