BREAKING— Revealing that their blood alcohol levels prevented them from behaving in any way like human beings, Gustavus students told sources late Saturday night that they were far too sloshed to have other people drive them anywhere. The students, whose intoxication clearly prevented them from operating motor vehicles, informed reporters that they were so shit-faced that they couldn’t even be in the same vehicle as their designated driver.

“Holy shit man, there is absolutely no way I am capable of sitting down and not behaving like a complete moron right now,” said Junior Marcus Hewitt. Hewitt’s behavior, much like the half bottle of José Cuervo he had imbibed earlier that night, was disgusting on multiple levels.

Other students on the scene readily supplied evidence that they in no way deserved to have another person transporting them around in their inebriated state. “It would just be way better if somebody wasn’t going to all the effort to drive me around, you know?” slurred senior Michaela Crawford. “Isn’t it pretty obvious that I can’t handle that right now?”