CAMPUS NEWS

Students Deem Alcohol Poisoning ‘Not Dangerous Enough’

SAINT PETER— Proudly proclaiming that their bodies could withstand more than just the “weak-ass shit,” Gustavus students decided late last Saturday that they were in need of something more dangerous than severe alcohol poisoning. The students, who were supremely confident in the ability of their livers to metabolize huge amounts of alcohol, were reportedly seen placing their bodies at even greater risk of injury or death.

“Yeah, we’re really hoping this starts to get dangerous soon,” said Junior Melvin McFlintock as he stood next to his roommate, Brad Roback, who was beginning to lose consciousness from the numerous PBR tallboys, tequila shots, and pulls of Jack Daniels he had shared with McFlintock earlier. The students, whose BAC was well beyond 0.2, were reportedly looking for new ways to make their current situation a greater risk to their well-being. “Give us a few minutes here, we’ll think of something as soon as we get B-Rad back on his feet.”

 
“I was having soooo much fun, but now all I feel inside is numbness,” shouted Junior Martin Trivek as he fumbled inside his gym bag for more Karkov. According to sources, Trivek was also in the process of finding a new activity that would put his life in considerable danger after he insisted that he had not done enough of that already.

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