SAINT PETER— Due to confusion regarding the nearby dates of the 2016 Minnesota Presidential Caucus and the Gustavus Student Senate Co-President Election, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) has been elected to the highest office of the College’s student government by a wide margin. The 74-year-old politician won the election via write-in, handily defeating all of the student candidates.
In a victory speech from the Presidential campaign trail in Nashville, Tennessee, Sanders remarked, “It is indeed a great honor that young people across the campus of Gustavus Adolphus College have called for a real political revolution. They have told the college administration loud and clear: this education should be free, and we do not like Hillary Clinton.”
“It is a national disgrace when 1% of the student body holds 99% of the Gus Bucks,” Sanders continued, referring to the Bookmark’s rewards program in which students receive coupons based on how much they spent at the store the previous month. Continuing his speech with a rousing critique of the college’s disciplinary procedures, “It is deplorable that there are young men and women at this college who serve 4, 8, 12 hours of hard labor to punish them for consuming alcohol underage, while the people who caused the Gus Bus crisis of 2016 remain unpunished.”
Many students are optimistic for Sanders’ tenure as Co-President, though it remains extremely unlikely the college will remain afloat through the fall semester if Sanders’ is able to fulfil his “revolution” and make Gustavus tuition-free.
Furthermore, many experts have predicted immense disturbance if Sanders executes his promises of meal plan redistribution, high fees for Bookmark textbook price gouging, and Campus Safety miscreant justice reform. Thankfully for such doubters, it remains abundantly clear that Sanders has no chance of passing any such reforms through the gridlock and immobility of the Student Senate.
Following the announcement of Sanders’ victory, prominent women’s rights activists and Hillary Clinton supporters took to scolding Gustavus feminists for not voting her, as a woman, into the office of Senate Co-Presidency.