CAMPUS NEWS

Health Services Fears STI Outbreak Following Widespread Reports of Berning Sensation

SAINT PETER— Health Service employees have declared a medical emergency for sexually transmitted infections after overhearing several reports on campus of many students “feeling the Bern.” The College’s medical unit has mobilized free testing and condom distribution sites across campus in an attempt to contain the highly contagious outbreak.

Health Service Nurse Marion Stolt expressed her concerns about the widespread symptoms, saying, “Burning can be caused by any number of sexually transmitted infections, but this one seems to be spreading at an alarming rate.” In a recent poll put out by Health Services, over fifty percent of the student body is currently reporting “berning” sensations. That statistic is up 150% from last month, and has caused the CDC to declare a campus wide epidemic.

“I love this feeling,” said Sophomore Peter Holm, who has been “berning” for months, but has not sought help from health professionals on campus. “I’m pretty sure I caught it from one of my friends early last fall, and I’m sure I’ll pass it along to a few more people too! My heart races with the itch of equity and the dream of free college. No one can protect themselves from the fire of socialism. Everyone shall be berning when all is done!”

Educate yourself. Know the common symptoms of “Berning.”

  • Intense knowledge of Scandinavian government
  • Dire need to affront your friends about their political views
  • Premature balding
  • Development of New York accent
  • Using crazy arm gestures during a conversation

 

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS