Nation’s Rapists Relieved Somebody Else Covering for Them

SAINT PETER— Rapists across the country are silently celebrating that members of the online community are continuing to stand up on behalf of them for their rights. The nation’s convicted sexual assault perpetrators expressed their collective relief that they were once again off of the hook thanks to the distractions and obfuscation provided by several peers online.

“I was worried I was going to have to speak for my own actions,” said Shaun Porter. “Luckily for me, a whole bunch of supporters went ahead and did that for me! Who know I had this many fans?” Porter, who was recently found guilty of sexual assault, was deeply appreciative for the kind words of support in the incredibly trying time he is currently going through. “It really means a lot. I’m deeply humbled that somebody would go out of their way to make me feel comfortable and protected. If only everybody could be this nice to me.”

“At first we thought that he was going to be held responsible for his actions, and we really didn’t feel comfortable with that” said Reece Riley, who posted several comments on social media along with his friends that quickly shifted blame away from Porter. “I didn’t think the burden should be on Shaun to answer for these oppressively concrete allegations, and I knew that I was up to the task of helping him out.” Riley proudly declared his unwavering support, stating, “I’ll stand up for anybody who needs the help, as long as they’ve been found guilty of violent sexual crimes.”