ST PETER — With the semester in full swing, Gusties are busier than ever with little time to spare after class, homework, and binge drinking on weeknights. Many students were not seen at today’s Building Bridges conference, which discussed the failures of the War on Drugs. Several students not in attendance have informed reporters that they are in way too much denial to admit that they or their country have a drug problem.

“Even though my prof told me I’d get extra credit for going today, I wasn’t able to get out of bed until 3pm,” Sophomore Daniel ‘Doobie Dan’ Davidson said with a shrug, acknowledging that the generous mix of substances imbibed last night prevented him from attending Building Bridges or facing the stark reality of his drug addiction. “I just don’t see the point in engaging in the national discussion about drugs or confronting my own inner demons,” he added.

“Yeah, we got a huge drug problem at Gustavus, that’s for sure,” commented Davidson, who failed to acknowledge the effect his drug habit is having on the country and his own body. “I got caught with an eighth last semester and they confiscated it, I had to pay $50 and go to an hour long class about it, so whack.”

When asked if he knew what the conference was actually about, Davidson mumbled something about ‘dumb narcs’ and leaned back to put eyedrops in.