CAMPUS NEWS

President Bergman Commissions Sexual Assault Response Commissioning Commission

SAINT PETER— Displaying deep readiness to confront the problem of sexual misconduct violations head on and with decisive action, President Bergman announced late on Wednesday her progress in commissioning a sexual assault commissioning commission. Although few details have been released, early reports indicate that the commission will have a direct role in selecting members of the commissioned commission, which will report to the President’s Cabinet, which will report to the President, who will report to the student body.

“We hear your demands for action,” commented the President. “Which is why I’m taking this into my own hands as well as the steady hands of the College’s finest bureaucratic processes. But know this: You can expect a firm answer from my office anytime within the next 1-10 weeks.”

The Student Senate, a body which prides itself on mirroring the inefficiency and gridlock of the U.S. Senate, has been tasked to help appoint students to the commission. “The commission which is currently being commissioned is expected to take into account the voices of the student body over a period of time that has yet to be determined,” stated Bergman.

As of press time, senior College officials were working around the clock to determine a catchy acronym for the commission that will soon be commissioned.

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