Dear Carl & Sylvia,

This will be my first year attending the President’s Ball and I’m super nervous. Can you tell me a little about what I can expect from this special event?

Fashion, food, and fun are what you can anticipate from this most holy of nights. What joy the President brings when she presents her giant ball for us all to honor and adore!

Fashion

Formal wear is recommended when in the midst of the President’s Ball. Some choose to wear a pair of nice slacks, a suit, and tie. Others may put on their finest jewels and an elegant burlap sack. Each Gustie looks their very best when gifted the chance to be in the presence of the sacred sphere.

Food

The fanciest of feasts is held in celebration of the President’s Ball. Chicken or vegetarian lasagna is offered to each student before the ceremony to provide nourishment and energy for the 4-hour ritual of non-stop dancing and chanting that is about to begin.

Fun

Silence falls upon the crowd as the great Ball of the President emerges from its slumber. It lets out a yawn, revealing the razor-sharp fangs within the large orifice that some call its “mouth.” While a benevolent creature, the President’s Ball has an insatiable hunger. It must be fed. The music begins, demanding that everyone dance. The drums play a slow, almost tired, rhythm at first as all gather around the massive orb. Hands clasped in solidarity, we begin to circle our globular idol. One can feel the energy rise with the tempo of the drums. They play faster. They play louder. “Soon,” they say.

The President’s Ball begins to hum. It’s mouth opens. The drums stop.

The guttural screams released from the throats of each undergraduate can be heard from miles away as they grab ahold of this year’s chosen one. Once a student, this Gustie is now prey. The mob forces the chosen one into the wet stinky mouth of the President’s Ball. Our God is pleased…for now.