SAINT PETER, MN– Following a semester and a half of solely eating chicken strips from the Gustavus Adolphus Marketplace and Food Service, local junior Matthew Kraft has inexplicably fallen ill. “I just don’t understand it,” said Kraft from his bed in Uhler Hall, where he has spent the entire weekend. “I’ve been taking care of myself. I even considered eating a vegetable the other day.” Students and faculty on campus are warned that Kraft’s illness could be contagious. Symptoms include lethargy, an upset stomach, dehydration-based headaches, a stuffy nose, and the immediate wish to die.

“This case is highly unusual,” stated a medical expert. “Usually, the chicken strip’s wet newspaper-like consistency paired with the ungodly amount of salt in the breading makes it totally incapable of supporting bacterial, parasitic, or viral life forms. Furthermore, ingesting that many sub-par meat strips should have killed Kraft before he even had the chance to catch the flu.”

Kraft’s strategy for healing himself is similarly unique. “I’ve been laying in bed, chugging NyQuil and marathoning House of Cards all weekend. Actually, I haven’t slept in 36 hours, so I’m not sure if that totally counts, but whatever. I’ll put some honey mustard on my chicken strips, that has to have some Vitamin C in it or something.”