CAMPUS NEWS

Student Body Diagnosed With Amnesia After Forgetting About Sexual Assault Policy Controversy

SAINT PETER— After a near-total decline in conversations about sexual assault and rape culture on campus, the Gustavus Department of Health Services has diagnosed the student body with retrograde amnesia.

Gustavus Nurse Practitioner Nina Tript ‘00 informed the amnesic body of her diagnosis via a community-wide email, reporting “short-term memory loss, detachment from previously important issues, and a pervasive sense of apathy.”

Fourth Crown reporters reached out to various parts of the diagnosed body, asking their impressions of the confrontation of rape culture on campus. “There’s a ‘rape vulture’ on campus? Shit, that sounds terrifying,” responded Ben Dietsch ‘18. Another student, Kaitlin Grielen ‘16, shared “we had a conference about that last year, so everything is OK now.”

Health Services has not prescribed a course of treatment at this time, as they are confident that students will do something to remind the student body of the issue within a matter of weeks.

 

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS