White Straight Guy Annoyed with How Much People Have Been Caring About Stuff

SAINT PETER— Expressing his frustration that students have been advocating for a number of just causes, Sophomore Jack Orville confirmed early on Monday that the current level of campus activism is causing him a great deal of annoyance. Whether it’s on the front page of the Weekly, posted about on Facebook or tweeted about relentlessly, student protesting has been almost impossible for McWilliams to escape.

“Not sure what everyone’s getting all worked up about, I wish everybody would just calm down and take it easy. I always feel safe on campus, especially when walking home at night, so what’s the big deal?” Orville recently posted on Facebook.

Orville went on to bemoan several causes that he views as much more pressing on campus. “You know how bullshit it is when the seniors on the football team got in trouble for hazing the freshmen?” Orville told reporters. “That’s what I call oppression.”

When asked about the dangers of sexual assault accompanied with drinking, Orville responded, “Ha yeah right! I black out every weekend and I’m always fine!”

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS