SAINT PETER— Campus Safety issued a report late Wednesday night to senior Southwest inhabitants after receiving a harrowing account of intentional deforestation to the Linnaeus Arboretum. After receiving notification that his application for off-campus housing was denied, teary-eyed and hysterical Junior Alec Crawford was seen walking towards the Arboretum with a determined glare and a stolen axe.
Eyewitnesses overheard the recently heartbroken Crawford mumbling obscenities about Residential Life. “You want me on campus? Well, here I fucking am,” muttered Crawford as he began the process of constructing his own habitation out of trees from the Arb, several of which were dedicated in memory of Gustavus alumni or families. Later reports indicated that a mingling of frustrated screams, falling timber, and the cries of distressed birds were loud enough to disrupt several students’ weekly late-night binge drinking ventures.
Further investigation of the freshly cut lumber strewn across the outskirts of the Arb led to the discovery of a crudely structured Yurt and a large puddle of the rising senior’s tears. Crawford, lying in the fetal position inside the Yurt, was overheard whimpering about how he “wasn’t going back to that shithole Gibbs for another goddamn year.”
After placing Crawford in handcuffs, the on-duty Campus Safety officer told reporters, “The damage to the Arboretum is unquantifiable, and Crawford will be expected to pay for the damages. Even though this penalty is going to sting, no doubt he’ll be paying even more out of the ass to live in College View.”
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS