CAMPUS NEWS

Unconscious Student Laying in Back of Lund Still Loathing Hunter Hayes

SAINT PETER— Although he was unable to form sentences in his unresponsive state, early Campus Safety reports indicated that comatose Junior Henry Brown was still pissed off beyond belief at the loud music being played by country/pop singer Hunter Hayes. Officers told reporters that although Brown had consumed enough alcohol to render him unconscious, he was still loathing the performance with every fiber of his being.

Brown, who has been a strong opponent of Hayes as the Big Concert choice, had previously been quoted as saying, “If I wanted to see some shitty music played by a white guy with a guitar I’d just go to Courtyard Caf’s open mic. If I’m paying $15 for a concert, I just want something that sounds good drunk. Is that too much to ask?”

Brown reportedly blew a .212 and came to the concert twenty minutes late after consuming sixteen shots. He then proceeded to pass out five minutes later in a pile of his own vomit, but this did nothing to stop the revulsion he felt as Hayes launched into his hit song “Wanted.”

“The crowd kind of made a circle around him. After about 10 minutes he came to, but still wasn’t able to form coherent sentences. All I heard him say was,”‘Bring back Mike Stud’ and ‘Oh please Jesus, not an encore,’” reported first-year Tyler Kenzington, who also attended the concert.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS