CAMPUS NEWS

Student Senate Community Meetings Draw Local Farmers to Complain of Poison in the Well

SAINT PETER- After the unprecedented death of six local farmers in the Saint Peter area due to poison in the well, Monday’s Student Senate Community Meeting was packed with torch-clad agricultural professionals.

A panel consisting of Public Relations committee members, Biology Department TAs, and Board of Trustee members bemoaned the financial strain that the creation of an pure water supply would create.

Junior Biology TA Colten Hanson commented during the panel “I mean we aren’t in deep shit yet, but I can kinda see it on the horizon, you know? I mean if we spend a little here and a little there, sure, we could be done for, which is why this water well is a no go, my bro.”

Available for comment after the meeting, turnip farmer Buck Chester said, “Methinks it is nigh time the commonwealth allocates the resources necessary to purify our tainted water supply. We will not stand by as the heathen atheists on the hill once again turn a blind eye to the resource bastion of southern Minnesota!”

After much rabble-rousing in agreeance to Chester, order was restored in the court and the farmers were politely asked to put out their torches and leave the pitchforks outdoors.
Along with poison in the well, farmers have routinely approached Student Senate to request assistance for a pesky vampire invasion, a hoopla starting witch coven, endless droughts, and the appearance of mysterious crop circles. Last year Student Senate was able to successfully curtail the growing urbanization of werewolves in Saint Peter through a series of gender neutral resolutions voted on by the student body.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS, OFF THE HILL