Sophomore Increasingly Anxious as Alcohol Supply Prepares to Graduate

SAINT PETER— Sophomore Meghan Hansen has been reportedly overcome with debilitating anxiety as her main supplier of alcoholic beverages, Senior Christopher Moore, prepares to graduate this semester. A teary Hansen told reporters that she has no idea who is going to run down to MGM and buy her cotton candy vodka now that Moore is graduating. 

Hansen commented, “My whole body is constantly in a cold-sweat. It feels like I just took a shot of Fireball while reaching in the fridge for a Pabst Blue Ribbon. I might as well internalize this since it will be a good four months before I can even scout out another upperclassman to get me the goods.”

Hansen notes that Moore’s graduation will have several, unwanted positive health effects in her life. She noted that her liver, “Will probably get a lot healthier, unfortunately” and that she no longer will have to endure Tuesday morning hangovers, which reportedly, “Is really going to suck.” What is even more grossly astounding to Hansen is the amount of money she will save on a weekly basis now that Moore will be graduating.

With Hansen being 20 and Moore being 22, the partnership between the two was “totally give and take,” according to Hansen. She also insisted that she “definitely did not take advantage of Moore and his ability to legally purchase alcohol at MGM. I mean, I would do the same for him if I could, but I don’t have a legal ID or a car, so I can’t. I think it’s totally fair.”

Moore reported he looks forward to returning to life as a law-abiding citizen and not having to be seen carrying 24-packs of Straw-Ber-Ritas.


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