CAMPUS NEWS

Seniors Prepare for Looming Adulthood by Getting Blackout Drunk and Skipping Class

SAINT PETER— With graduation less than one month away, it has become increasingly hard for seniors to avoid the looming responsibilities and expectations that await after they receive their degree. Despite Gustavus’ recent efforts to prepare students for graduation through a series of informational classes about bill paying, budgeting, and more, seniors remain as pessimistic as ever about life off the hill, and are combatting the impending adulthood by consuming excessive amounts of alcohol and abstaining from class and all homework.

“In less than one month, I’ll be working 40 hours a week every week until I die. Who cares about class?” shrugged Senior John Jackson as he chugged his 14th beer of the afternoon.

With Gustavus’ stellar 110% post-graduation placement, most students have already committed to summer and full-time positions beginning as early as June 1. This leaves less than 30 days for students to relish in their high alcohol tolerances and low number of responsibilities.

When asked whether he thought getting blackout drunk was an appropriate way to prepare for a 40 hour work week at General Mills, Jackson mumbled something before hurrying away to throw up his fourteen beers behind a nearby tree.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS