CAMPUS NEWS

Campus Safety, Custodial Department Celebrate Students’ Summer Departure With Absolute Rager

Saint Peter, MN — As the last of the remaining students said goodbye to the Spring semester, numerous staff departments took time to commemorate the annual exodus with a total banger of a party. Reports indicate that the celebrations began around 4 PM on Memorial Day and lasted deep into the night, spanning across various on and off-campus locations.

While the number of departments included in the festivities is unknown, sources say it is fair to assume that any member of the staff who had to “put up with drunken college kids’ shit” over the last school year was likely in attendance.

“I mean not everyone made it through the entire evening,” said Campus Safety officer Vic Pascutti. “Though, who can blame them? That night was the dictionary definition of, as the kids’ say, ‘radical’. Some people just aren’t cut out for the long game, ya know? I can’t wait for next year.”

Despite concerns about the affair’s level of responsibility, experts have determined that a substantial amount of psychological benefit should stem from the all-out campus staff bash. “A cathartic experience such as this one releases a healthy supply of the dopamine within the brain,” said psychoanalyst Peter Rosenthrant. “This ‘shindig’ the departments put on undoubtedly led to the release of an astronomical level of the hormone, considering what they put up with for nine or ten months of the year.”

“I mean, I love the kids, don’t get me wrong,” said custodial engineer Tanya Johnson, “but, wow, is it nice to have a break from them. It’s also nice to let loose a little bit by doing what the kids do: going nuts, getting weird and freaking out the Gus Bus driver. Oh, to be young again. ”

While it is known that the celebrations lasted deep into the night and did span several Saint Peter locations, sources report that it is nearly impossible to pinpoint exactly where the group went during the night due to the level of respect each area was shown.

“Look we’re not monsters, we know how to have a damn good time and we know how to clean up our mess,” said Johnson. “We wouldn’t just smash a bottle of Gray Goose on the ground and then leave it for someone else to pick up. Who would do that? Instead, we smash a bottle of Gray Goose on the ground and then pick it up like the self-respecting adults we are.”

While the bash did occur at a time when 99% of the student body was off campus a few select students were around to bare witness to some of the events. “I’ve never seen anything like it before,” said rising senior Randy Golair. “The sheer audacity, class, joviality and downright shenanigans that was displayed was both awe-inspiring and frightening.”

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