COON RAPIDS, MN — Concerned with her immediate and extended family’s ability to accurately pronounce “Gustavus Adolphus,” incoming First-Year Mary Sherman announced earlier today that she has already begun teaching a remedial pronunciation course to those she holds most dear. Sources close to the family report that they have seen glimpses of the large, nigh incoherent syllabus Sherman created for her course, Svensk Kung Skola 101, undoubtedly using her parents’ deluxe black and white inkjet3008 printer.
Despite Sherman’s extensive list of clear grading and behavior guidelines in the syllabus, it is reported her class of 17 family members made little progress during the first week. “They act like I’m teaching Svår Smörgåsbord 301 here. The final test will be on move in day. I swear to god if dad says “Augustus Dolphin” one more time I think I’ll have to preemptively drop out of college,” said Sherman.
Among weekly quizzes and in-class dialogue exercises, Sherman maintains a strict classroom atmosphere where professional behavior is expected and more than three unexcused absences results in permanent social exile. During her weekly office hours Sherman stated, “Oh my god I’m already so stressed and I haven’t even taken an actual college course yet. I have so many tests, quizzes, and papers to grade. Not to mention sign-ups for our midterm oral exam is coming up. Grandma better be pounding those flashcards pretty hard. I won’t stand for anymore ‘Gus Davis At Dog Face’ shit.”
Unable to receive help from her normally far too investigative and zealous Gustie Greeter, Sherman hopes to make it through summer in good health to attend “Agulstaus Aglooptus” University in the fall semester.
The lesson plan for next week includes a cultural immersion field trip to a Swedish fish and meatball factory.
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