SAINT PETER, MN — With just a matter of days leading up to the opening ceremony of the 2016 Olympics in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, Spud Jacobson, Gustavus’ most committed evening student janitor for the Lund center, took to social media to express his doubts.
Jacobson voiced, “Look, I’m a pretty open guy, but I gotta say all this shit going down in Rio just spells bad news. You got a stadium next to some slums, a president on her way out, and this superbug government-made virus floatin’ around ready to sink its teeth in our troops or team-whatever they are called.”
In a series of subsequent Facebook posts, friends and distant relatives affirmed his controversial and poorly researched stance. Members of his immediate family reported, Spud had “pulled a few all-nighters” to create a proposal to move the summer Olympics to the well-loved Lund Athletic Center with it’s world renowned weight room.
During a press release to the local community and members of the Gustavus administration Jacobson said, “I know we only have a few days until the Olympics, but I’ve cleaned this baby top to bottom for ‘bout 2 or 3 months. Sure she has some wear and tear, pockets of asbestos in the insulation, an occasional centipede infestation, and, yeah, sometimes high school campers shit all over the men’s restroom, but if we can host international country superstar Hunter Hayes, we could host an Olympics or two. I doubt anyone is gonna bust my balls and tell me Lund isn’t capable of hosting some of the world’s most elite athletes.”
As a final jab towards the lack of organization in Rio, Spud tweeted “Hell, if you want a true Rio De Janeiro experience, I’ll hoist you into the dumpster ‘round back, read off economic inflation rates from the paper, poke you with a used needle and spit on ya for good measure.”
At this point, it is unconfirmed whether or not Jacobson’s claim was imaginative speculation to prove a point, or if it is a featured tourist attraction in Rio.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS