Saint Peter, MN — Shortly after finishing the first class of his Introduction to Sociology course, a majority of reports indicated that first-year Zach Gilbert had already imagined an unrealistic amount of sexual tension between himself and his classmate Claire Rodriguez.
Additionally, one lone source close to Gilbert has claimed that the tension was actually legitimate. “Look, I’ve been around the block a few times and I know when a girl is into a guy. Claire definitely digs Zach. He told me that she totally was staring him down in their 8 AM. We all know that when a girl looks at a dude for longer than 3 seconds, she wants to bone,” said Gilbert’s close friend, first-year Charlie Anderson.
Regardless of Anderson’s claims, multiple sexual psychologists have suggested that Gilbert is simply falling victim to a few different phenomenons. “This young lad has a couple things working against him,” said Princeton psychology professor Lloyd Hamilton. “First, he’s a young white male. These guys tend to think most people want to fuck them. Second, specific class seating charts tend to force people to look at each other for prolonged periods of time. Third, Mr. Gilbert was apparently sitting in front of a window, meaning that, in all likelihood, Ms. Rodriguez was just looking out said window.”
Despite the overwhelming amount of evidence against his claim, Gilbert insists the sexual tension is there. “Look, I know what I saw. Claire’s into me. I don’t need to prove it to you guys. I don’t need to prove it to anyone. I know it’s there. Why would anyone need to look out the window for that long? That’s crazy. That’s ridiculous, right?”
When asked what she thought about the situation, Rodriguez responded “I was just looking out the window and trying to not fall asleep. What guy said this?”
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